Creeping Vines—They’re Coming for Us!

Call out the National Guard! Warn the military! Planet Earth must be alerted to this menace!

Where is Thor? Where is Wonder Woman? Where is Buzz Lightyear? We need a super hero who can save us from this peril!

—or at least a good tree guy.

The invasion begins innocently enough; one tiny plant hiding among the many trees and shrubs growing unnoticed in the hedgerow between yards.

Entwining itself on tree branches, it climbs to a height where its cascading flowers of soft purple dazzle and distract you as its vines stealthily creep along the ground. Snaking through the grass, crawling under dead leaves, it silently travels, sinking its sinewy roots into the soil and spawning thousands of infant plants. Up through the trees, its alien tentacles grow, weaving through the canopy forming a giant otherworldly nest.

I’ve been battling this menace in the woods between my home and an apartment complex for over 40 years.

Why this plant is sold at garden centers is beyond me. Are aliens exercising some form of mind control to get landscapers to peddle this invader to unsuspecting homeowners?

Between spring and fall, I cut out nearly a mile of vines and tentacles, but unless I totally cut down the entire woods, I’ll never be rid of Wisteria.

Today my yard—tomorrow the world!


I got carried away.

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